Read Carl Hiaasen for Free Online

right?”
    “The doctors are hopeful.” Honey tried to sound encouraging.
    “Well, I’ll say a little prayer for him.”
    “That’s probably not a bad idea.”
    Honey hung up and did a dance through the trailer.

    Boyd Shreave saw no reason to inform his wife that he’d been canned. His plan was to persuade Eugenie Fonda to quit the call center and find a day job. That way they could hook up after work and cavort at the apartment until midnight, Lily assuming that he was still pounding the phones at Relentless. He figured it would take weeks for her to notice that he was no longer depositing a paycheck, so paltry was his contribution to the family finances.
    At breakfast Lily surprised him by asking, “So, what’s on the schedule today?”
    Boyd Shreave had no schedule, as his wife well knew; no hobbies, interests or intellectual appetites. To ingratiate himself with certain bosses and large-account customers, he had over the years taken up (and soon abandoned) tennis, rollerblading, skeet shooting, dry-fly tying, backgammon, contract bridge and even bonsai cultivation. In truth, nothing filled his spare hours more pleasingly than daytime television, which never failed to make him feel superior. In particular he was enthralled by the many talk shows that featured dysfunctional cretins debating the paternity of unplanned offspring. To Shreave, their raucous misery was more than idle entertainment; it reaffirmed his own higher place in the natural order. Comfortably stationed with a snack tray in front of the plasma screen, he drew hope from the cavalcade of cursing, frothing idiots—these were the prey, and one day Boyd Shreave would find his niche among the predators. He was sure of it.
    “I haven’t got much planned,” he told his wife. “Just hang out and watch TV, I guess.”
    “You want to meet for lunch?”
    Shreave was rattled by the offer. “Um, I’m supposed to get the oil changed in the car. I just remembered.”
    “What time?”
    “Noon sharp,” he said.
    Lily smiled a smile that Boyd Shreave hadn’t seen in a long time. She said, “Excellent. That leaves us the whole morning.”
    “For what?” Shreave croaked.
    “Guess.” Lily reached under the table and squeezed him. “You know how long it’s been?”
    Shreave plucked her hand from his crotch and edged out of reach.
    Gravely his wife said, “One hundred and fifty-six days.”
    “Really?” Shreave was confused. In all that time Lily hadn’t once complained about his lack of attention, so he’d assumed that the disinterest was mutual.
    “That’s more than five months,” she added.
    “Wow,” Shreave said.
    “Too long, Boyd. Way too long.”
    “Yeah.” Already the back of his neck was moist and clammy.
    “What’s the matter, honey?” Lily leaned forward, letting her robe fall open. Shreave couldn’t help but observe that her breasts seemed larger than Eugenie Fonda’s. He wondered if he’d somehow forgotten what they looked like, or if his wife had secretly been to a plastic surgeon.
    She touched his arm softly, then lobbed a question that lay there like a ticking grenade: “Boyd, is there something you want to talk to me about?”
    Oh Christ, does she know?
he wondered anxiously.
Or is she fishing?
    Working from slickly worded scripts had dulled Shreave’s talent for the improvisational lie. He knew he needed something better than an oil change to handle Lily’s current line of interrogation.
    “It’s not you, it’s me,” he began.
    Slowly she pulled her robe closed and crossed her arms.
    “It’s a flashback from the accident in Arlington,” he said, aware that he was raising a touchy subject.
    “Three years ago?” Lily raised her eyebrows, but Shreave soldiered on.
    “I’m what they call ‘clinically depressed.’ The doctor says it’s affected my…you know…”
    “Libido.”
    “Yeah,” he said. “Anyhow, I got some of those pills, but they haven’t helped at all.”
    “What brand? The kind Bob