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move on to step two of the job-getting process:
    2. Prepare Your Resume
    Your resume (rhymes with “legume”) is a list of qualifications that you sincerely want your prospective employer to believe you have. Remember that the people who look at your resume will also look at thousands of others, so if you want yours to stand out, it must be brief; it must be compelling; and it must contain a photograph of Angelina Jolie naked. So in preparing your resume, you should follow this format:
    STANDARD BUSINESS RESUME FORMAT
    Your Name
    You can usually obtain this from your driver’s license.
    Your Nickname
    This should be something that has a positive, businesslike ring to it, such as “The Deal Closer” or “The Profit Maker.” It’s important that you establish a good nickname
before
you start working at the corporation, to prevent your co-workers from giving you a bad one, such as “The Diarrhea Shooter.”
    Photograph of Angelina Jolie Naked
    If you don’t already have one, ask any teenage male.
    Job Objective
    This should be a clear description of your career goal, such as: “To obtain a high-paying executive job with a reserved parking spot in, or at least near, the building.”
    Qualifications
    This is the heart of the modern business resume. This is where we separate the sheep from the chaff. Because it is here, in the qualifications section, where you prove to a prospective employer that you possess the skill and knowledge necessary to string meaningless hyphenated buzzwords together into a sentence fragment lacking a grammatical subject.

    Wrong:
“I am a hard worker who gets along well with others.”
    Right:
“Results-oriented multitasking hands-on team-building problem-solving take-charge self-starter with enterprise-wide cross-functional productivity-enhancement management-specific capabilities including all phases of conceptualization, implementation, integration, augmentation, allocation, irrigation, fermentation, lactation, plantation, and antidisestablishmentarianism served over field greens with a balsamic vinaigrette.”

    Don’t worry if your qualifications sentence fragment does not make a ton of sense; after the first dozen or so buzzwords, your readers, satisfied that you are fluent in corporate bullshit, will bail out of this section and resume taking ganders at Angelina Jolie.
    Note: If you think the corporation where you’re trying to get a job does some kind of technical thing, your qualifications should include a statement of your technical qualifications:

    Wrong:
I can answer the telephone and operate a stapler.
    Right:
Highly proficient in all phases of WURP and FREEMIS hierarchical algorithm cosine protocols, including Version 3.872 of GRIMPL.

    Again, you need not worry about whether your technical statement actually means anything. The people reading your resume would never admit that they have no idea what WURP and FREEMIS are; they will simply assume that these are important technical things they should know about, and they will start referring to them in their own reports and memos.
    Education
    Your goal here is to establish your academic credentials. Be sure to word this very carefully, because you need to make a good impression.

    Wrong:
Attended Wayne P. Leeperman College of Refrigeration Arts and Sciences
    Right:
Masters of Doctorate Degree in Business Exploitation, Harvard or Yale University

    There is a slight risk that somebody might start to become suspicious about your academic credentials, so this is a good point in your resume to include, as a distraction:
    A Second Photograph of Angelina Jolie Naked
    When you have completed your resume, send it to every employee at your target corporation above the rank of restroom attendant, along with a brief cover letter stating, in a businesslike and professional manner, that you are sincerely interested in obtaining a job and are willing to provide high-quality oral gratification to whoever will give you one.

    Of course, I