smell as cloying and fatal as mustard gas.
CHAPTER 11
ITEMS WANTED
THE FOLLOWING WORDS appeared the next day in the school magazine, published in both paper and web editions. (The magazine was run entirely by the pupils, with Mr Van theoretically overseeing the whole operation. Mr Vanâs view â not shared by all the other teachers â was that the kids had to be allowed to make their own mistakes, and so he only ever interfered to remove outright obscenities and split infinitives.)
FOR SALE
Full set of Alex Rider books, unread. 10p. Contact Malcolm Mitchin, Form 7G.
Valuable antique wooden tennis racket.£1.50. Contact Mary Cunningham, Form 9J.
Pair of spectacles (unwanted gift). Any reasonable offer accepted. Contact Paul Burke, Form 8M.
Oboe. Working but badly stained. £25. Contact Francis Meanwood, Form 7L.
Mobile phone. Can get any make you want.£10. Text me on 07814 568 372.
Scotch egg. Only just past eat-by date. Probably delicious. 25p. Contact Simon Morley, Form 8G.
5 kittens. Two quid each. Will keep till end of week. If no takers, will put in sack and drown lot. Or microwave. Maybe just strangle them. Youâve been warned. Big Mac, Form 9J.
ITEMS WANTED
Copy of
Grand Theft Auto 4
. Will pay £10, or swap for pair of spectacles. Contact Paul Burke, Form 8M.
Monkey, any species. Will pay market rate. Kevin Williams, Form 9M.
Girlfriend. Must be gorgeous and like snogging. She must not mind clammy hands, acne, BO or bad breath. Text me on 07890 155 878.
Any persons with special powers, such as super strength, telekinetic ability (i.e. moving stuff with just your brain), anti-gravity skills (e.g. flying), controlling magnetism, etc. etc., to join an elite team of heroes to save the world. Come to room 111 at 12.30 on Wednesday. No time-wasters. No loonies. Refreshments not supplied.
CHAPTER 12
THE X FACTOR FOR FREAKS
MELVYN AND ALEXANDER were sitting behind a desk in room 111. There was an empty wooden chair in front of them.
âThis is the most stupid thing Iâve ever been involved with,â said Melvyn, his long, sad, resigned face longer, sadder and more resigned than ever.
He wasnât convinced by Alexanderâs arguments that there were probably lots of kids with special abilities lurking incognito in the school. It seemed to Melvyn about as likely as finding out that a secret tribe of super-intelligent newts lived under the school and controlled them all with mind waves. But the truth was that Alexander was his best, possibly his only friend, and thealternative to sitting here with him was sitting alone in the playground waiting for someone to slap the back of his head.
âI mean,â he continued, âno one is going to turn up. Even if there did, by some amazing fluke, happen to be some kid who had a special power, then what on earth makes you think theyâd want to come andââ
Melvyn was interrupted by a knock, which made his elbow slip off the table, slamming his chin down onto the desk. His tongue was, naturally, trapped between his teeth, and started to bleed.
In the excitement, Alexander didnât even notice. âCome in,â he said brightly, his voice full of hope, even expectation, that this was going to work after all.
Those hopes were soon dashed.
Felicity put her head timidly round the door. Alexander couldnât stop himself from groaning.
âHello, Felithity,â said Melvyn, the wound to his tongue making him lisp.
Felicity looked almost as disappointed as Alexander. âAm I in the right place for the audition?â
âAudition? This isnât
Britainâs Got Talent
, you know,â Alexander said brusquely. âYou did read the advert, didnât you?â
âWell, yes, but I wasnât expecting . . .â
âUs?â said Alexander. âWho did you think it was going to be? MI5?â
âNo need to be tharcathtic,â thaid â I mean said