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she looked like an Amazonian she-male.
    I would advise women, like men, to wear smart-casual clothing. If you want to get more dressed up I would only suggest this on your first audition, as the second one usually involves more movement. You should always make sure that your hair is tied back, or at least make sure it’s not hiding your face (unless you are using your hair to cover up a particularly violent spot). Also avoid wearing too much jewellery as it distracts my casting director, who will spend the entire audition wondering where you got it from. It is especially important that you don’t wear big hoop earrings, particularly for a dance audition, as they make you look like a TV aerial, and we don’t want someone getting caught up in them and ripping your ear off. It is also useful to wear a skirt that is adjustable, so if you spot the director staring atyour legs you can lift your skirt a little and tease. Obviously this technique is a little naughty, but can have delicious results if you are creative. I remember an audition where a cheeky actress lifted her skirt slightly to reveal her headshot which was stuck to her thigh. Sadly she didn’t get the job. But she did get a rather rewarding workshop with the director that evening, dear.
    So, in retrospect, my main pieces of advice when auditioning are: don’t drink, don’t shout, don’t dance, don’t wink at me, don’t wear tight trousers or high heels, don’t smile too much, and always wash your hands. Basically – be professional and be yourself. After all, it is a job interview, dear.
    Getting an Offer
    The highlight of an actor’s life is getting the job. Sadly, it’s all downhill from there. Being offered a job validates you as an actor. You feel wanted, important, successful and powerful. And so you should. It’s difficult getting any job these days – particularly an acting one. There is nothing as marvellous as being told by your agent that ‘You’ve got an offer.’ And always remember that. This is the one time when you have some power. The casting director, director, and me, the producer, want you . We need you to help make the show work.
    When you receive an offer you have some bargaining power. The first thing to do is consider if you actually want the role. If you’ve been through the pain and suffering of the audition process I can only imagine you must at least be interested in the show. If you are one of those actors that just go to auditions to meet the casting director regardless of whether you want the job or not – take it from me: don’t bother. Nothing will anger a casting director, director and producer more than if you go through five auditions only for us to find out that you weren’t interested in the first place. It is infuriating, and can lead to severe rumours about yourprofessionalism and your personal life spreading around every casting department in the West End.
    Hopefully you will be ecstatic about being offered the role. However, we never expect actors to accept the job straight away. Their agent will usually play ‘hard to get’ for the next few weeks – and tell us that their client is ‘considering the role’ or has ‘been offered something else so is weighing up the options’. This is all well and good – but we’re not stupid. We’re perfectly aware that your agent is just telling us a silly little lie to make you sound popular. Which can be dangerous. Because if you ‘weigh up’ my offer for too long, you might as well forget it. I know many actors who have had offers withdrawn because of the ridiculous games that agents play with us.

    Actors – at the end of your audition, please avoid saying ‘See you later.’ Because chances are, you won’t, dear.

 

    Every time someone says ‘I don’t believe in jazz hands’, an actor dies. Do your bit. And believe, dear.

     
    Rehearsing
    A word of warning : Sometimes I get reports of actors spending all their time munching on my chocolate HobNobs