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it’s not true.”
    “Maybe something is wrong, I don’t know. But sexual desire problems often indicate everything’s happening as it should.” Connie and Brett looked at each other.
    “I’m not telling you to
ignore
sexual desire problems, or that they’re fun to go through. I am saying that since sexual desire problems are inevitable, you ought to use them
productively
. Desire problems can be
useful
to people and relationships. They push us to become more solid within ourselves. Sexual desire problems aren’t a
problem
in your marriage. Sexual desire problems are part of the normal, healthy
processes
of marriage.”
    Brett and Connie fell silent on my couch, alert, watching me, entranced. They had decided what they were learning was important. This was a whole lot to take in, and they didn’t want to miss any of it. Brett smiled. “This is some planet you practice on, Doc. It’s different from our first therapy.”
    Connie chimed in, “It sure is.”
    A little more respect and consideration flowed between them, making it easier for us to talk about many important things. By the time they left our first session, they looked me in the eye, shook my hand, and smiled.
WHERE WE’RE HEADED
     
    Throughout this book we’ll talk about incredible interactions around sexual desire that foster personal growth. People-growing processes are elegantly simple and tenaciously reliable. The low desire partner always controlling sex is one of the “people-growing processes” of love relationships. We’ll focus on your most enlightened human capacities, rather than “doing what comes naturally” or “Just do it!” Yes, we are biologically and psychologically programmed to procreate and perpetuate our species. Like all animals, we have physical sexual tensions, and we seek pleasure and avoid pain. But your brain—not your hormones or genitals—makes you capable of profound desire and transcendent sex. What makes human sexual desire
human
is your brain’s unique capacity to bring
meaning
to sex. Your desire greatly impacts your partner and your relationship, and vice versa. It’s an amazing system.
    How you feel about your partner, yourself, and your relationship is critical to robust desire. Enhancing desire requires more than breaking sexual routines. It involves intimacy, passion, eroticism, respecting yourself, and liking your partner—and being mature enough to be more capable of all these things.
    Low desire can be caused by problems with hormones, neurochemicals, and a long list of medical problems. (It always pays to get a complete physical checkup.) But these cases still have everything to do with the desire dynamics and people-growing processes described throughout this book.While they may not have caused the problem to start with, they most certainly come into play. When you have a medically based desire problem, you are the low desire partner who controls sex, whether you like it or not.
    Desire problems often involve more than sexual inhibitions, lack of fantasies, and difficulty getting started. The ebb and flow of sexual desire is human nature at its best and worst. What you’ll discover about sexual desire problems coincides with the growing science of resilience and positive psychology. 7 They can develop your capacity to cope with stress and catastrophe, your emotional resilience, and your resourcefulness. You can use them to develop the strengths and virtues that make life more fulfilling and enable you to thrive. It’s not about curing mental illness.
    Can you fan the flames of sexual desire once they have gone out (or never ignited)? Yes, you most certainly can. The point is: Everyone has to! It’s a natural process of personal growth.
    Brett and Connie went on to turn things around, more quickly and with better results than they imagined. They settled down and applied the same things you’ll learn here. I suggest you do the same.
    Stop blaming yourself because you have sexual desire