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literally addicted to the power struggle between us?  Some may say I was a lost young woman, with daddy and abandonment issues.  But I say I was a lost young woman that burned with the desire, to be loved by another person.
    My lover continued to do what it is that he did best, love me and fuck me. It was consistent and dysfunctional. We spent countless nights entangled in a web of lust and broken promises.  It all felt so right.
    My emotions were finally in a stable place and his lies were in order. Life was ok. If I didn’t see it, or couldn’t prove it, then it never happened and I didn’t speak on it. The other women came and went, and I stayed. I cooked, cleaned, and was the epitome of the perfect girlfriend. I was obviously putting forth more effort than him. 
    I needed to leave. I needed to leave him before I kill him and all these bitches.  It was becoming too much to handle.  He was taking a toll on my emotional wellbeing.  My tank was already on empty. I could not take too much more.  I made some phone calls and arranged some things.  Arizona would be my next stop.
    Thinking back it hurts to know that I had to uproot myself from everything that I was familiar with.  Just to keep from hurting myself and others.  In my heart I knew, I needed to be away for him.  I need to feel and act different than what I currently was.  I couldn’t do that here in California.
    I gave myself one month to get everything together and tie up all my lose ends.  When I decide to do something I do it. When I decided I better leave California before I hurt my love and his bitch.  I did everything in my power to support a positive transition for myself.
    Sporadic, is the perfect word to describe how I function even to this day. Although, I’m getting better, I refuse to ponder situations and weigh out the pros and cons. Sometimes it’s too scary to handle. My mind was traveling in a million different directions. I questioned myself and my existence within his world.  How could my savior turn into someone that I no longer could trust?
    This was a man that thought more so with his dick than with his brain.  I was functioning at the lowest level in every other aspect of my life.  My whole life was suffering because I couldn’t think of anything but him and how to hurt her.  She was fucking everything up. But in reality if I hurt her physically or emotionally, I was hurting him. I didn’t want to hurt him.
    So I just moved forward with my plan to move to Arizona. I had family out there and I was ready to start over.  First I had to tell my lover. I would give him an ultimatum. Maybe by the grace of God I won’t be leaving.
    I knew I had to handle this conversation with finesse, and from a perspective that he never thought of pertaining to me. Looking back I know now, that you can’t make anyone do anything. Especially a man, if they haven’t already foreseen it for themselves.
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
    CHAPTER 4
    TIME TO PACK
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
    Making myself comfortable, I tried to contain all the emotions that were building up inside of me. I felt like there was a fire burning inside of me.  So, I better open up my mouth before I erupt like a volcano. As soon as we settled in the bed for the night, I said “I’m moving.”  He just looked at me. I continued, “I’m moving to Arizona.” More silence. He turned his back to me and said good night.
    I felt hot tears streaming down my face, and I wanted to stop them.  But I couldn’t.  I was crying because of the silence that was now festering in the bed with us.  There were no questions.  There was no loving gaze into my eyes, only quiet. I turned over carefully, with my back to him.  The reassurance that I needed to feel was null and void. So that ultimatum idea I had was irrelevant.
    The next day was a regular, mundane morning.  I climbed over him and hit the snooze button.  We made love and we