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be, and in your self-image. All these changes will add up to the most profound change of all—you will no longer be a Disappearing Woman who gives up parts of herself because of her desire to be with a man.

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    Why Women Tend to Lose Themselves in Relationships
    T HE C U LTURAL , B IOL OGICAL , AND
    P SY CHOL OGICAL I NFL UENCES

    Women are taught to enhance other people at the expense of the self; men are taught to bolster the self, often at the expense of others.
    It’s hard to get it all in balance.
    H ARRIET L ERNER , P H .D.,
    T HE D ANCE OF I NTIMACY

    Why are women so much more likely to lose themselves in relationships than men? Are we genetically and emotionally weaker, more dependent, and less able to maintain our separate identities? Or is it because men are cut off from their emotions and less capable of true intimacy? The answer is far more complicated than these generalizations imply. Part of the answer lies in our cultural conditioning, part on biological factors, and still another part is based on psychological factors.

    Cultural Conditioning
    There are many cultural reasons why women are more susceptible to losing themselves in relationships than men. In this section I will focus on the most prevalent. Most of these influences exist in every culture throughout the world, among every race, religion, and socioeconomic segment of the world’s population.

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    Girls Are Trained to Be Dependent, Boys to Be Independent
    Even today families still tend to push boys toward independence far more than they do girls. Both in early childhood and in early adolescence boys are encouraged to be more independent in their thinking and in their actions and to be less dependent on their families than are girls. Parents still tend to com- fort girls more than boys when they are frightened or injured, and boys are given greater freedom at an earlier age than girls are.
    Girls Are Raised to Be Protected, Boys to Be Strong
    Having a sense of competence means believing that we can make things happen for ourselves in the world, that we can master our environments. Unfortunately, the expectations that parents and our culture have for boys lead to far greater feelings of competence than the traditional expectations of girls. Parents often expect less of their female children and tend to place more demands on little boys, expecting them to be more responsible and to take more risks. This sends a subtle yet powerful message that girls are less com- petent. Moreover, the traditional “sugar and spice” view of girls—the idea that girls need to be protected and “done for” rather than learning to do for themselves—promotes feelings of insecurity and incompetence.
    Girls Are Raised to Be Compliant
    Parents continue to raise girls to be more passive and compliant than boys, and research shows that girls are far more likely to placate to keep the peace. While most boys are aggressive about getting their individual needs met, girls are raised to smooth things over in relationships rather than stand up for their own wishes and needs. They are much more likely to sacrifice their own needs if they think that doing so will benefit the relationship and to back down, apologize, or take the blame whenever there is a disagreement.
    Girls are far more likely than boys to give in to what their date wants to do, have sex even if they aren’t ready, and give up their social life to sit home waiting for him to call.
    This is due in part to the fact that during adolescence girls experience a tremendous amount of social pressure to put aside their authentic selves and to display only a small portion of who they truly are. It is often in their ado- lescence when girls first come to realize that males have most of the power and when many come to believe that their only power comes from becoming submissive to male needs.

    Girls Learn Helplessness
    Girls and women are frequently the victims of inequality, prejudice, misog- yny, and violence in