Read Mum's the Word for Free Online

gone. Were they upstairs packing?
    Under the pretext of kissing the top of my head Ben whispered, “The curse of the gypsy woman—eyes like dank pools! Sleazy black clouds! It’s enough to make me eager to try my hand at writing trashy novels again.” Straightening, he walked around the front of the sofa to shake hands with the sisters. “How splendid to see you both!” He availed himself of one of the Queen Anne chairs, eyes sparkling like stolen jewels. “Forgive my eavesdropping, but talk about being held spellbound! I was unable to move a muscle.”
    The Misses Tramwell had been reared in an age when forgiving male misdeeds was a fact of life. Primrose blushed to match her rose pink blouse. Hyacinth touched a gleaming red fingernail to her cone of hair and said, “Your gentlemanly apology is accepted, Bentley. I trust you do not believe Primrose and I are making too much of Chantal’s dark vision.”
    Re-angling his chair, Ben’s face planed to geometricshadow, he avowed, “On the contrary, I fear you may if anything be understating the seriousness of the situation. Ellie and I owe you an immense debt. The moment you uttered the words jealousy, anger, and fear, I knew what form danger would take. We are in for a visit from the relations.”
    He meant my family of course, an insult which I embraced like a life jacket. Uncle Maurice would be on the run from his creditors, Aunt Lulu would be needing a respite from the daily grind of shoplifting. I gave the baby a reassuring pat. I was flooded with joy. God wasn’t about to punish me for forgetting my iron tablets twice last week.
    â€œWhat say you, sweetheart?” Ben spoke with degenerate suavity. “Where can we flee that is sufficiently far from the Black Cloud?” Pressing a finger to his forehead, he closed his eyes. “How about America?”
    â€œI think that might be a bit close, darling.” Happiness tends to effect me like champagne. “Wouldn’t Australia be safer? Just think of the exciting gourmet things you might do with kangaroos. Quite tasty, I would imagine, and so easy to stuff.”
    Hyacinth’s painted black brows converged. “Australia! Are you sure? One cannot but feel that a country which has its seasons the wrong way around isn’t quite civilized.”
    Ben placed his hands behind his head, crossed his ankles and bestowed upon me his sultan smile.
    â€œMy dear Ellie,” said Primrose, “I do feel America would be preferable. On the admittedly remote chance that Chantal’s dire predictions do not come to pass, Hyacinth and I would be mortified at having put you to the expense of travelling to the under world. Then too, we do wish to please Bentley, don’t we?”
    â€œNot obsessively.”
    Primrose hastened on. “We have a sister, Violet, living in Detroit. Quite one of the garden spots of the country, so she has given us to understand. Her married name is Wilkinson and her husband and sons are in the undertaking business. Never the least need to worry that dear Vi won’t be well taken care of when the time comes. Pray do look her up if you have the time and tell her how well you find Hy and myself.” She tweaked one of the bows in her hair. “And, if you would be so good, reassure her that our doctor thinks we look remarkably young.”
    â€œI think we can promise a phone call, don’t you, sweetheart?” said the louse … I mean
spouse
.
    Ben can read me like a kindergarten book. He knew that I would travel to the ends of the earth given the least chance that the Black Cloud was my cousin Vanessa arriving for an extended visit. Over the phone the other day she had purred, “Darling, I’m sure you’ll look
lovely
pregnant. Being heavy was always so … 
you
!” Nothing would give her greater pleasure than to flaunt her elastic-band-sized waist in front of me and Ben, not