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House.”
    Perhaps my relief was causing me to burble. Esther stifled a yawn. She gave a guilty smile. “They asked us if we wanted sleeping pills. I think we were sensible to accept but all the same …”
    â€œPlease don’t apologize; I should be off anyway. Thank you for the tea. And thank you for … well for everything you did or would have liked to do.”
    The three of us stood up. Rufus reluctantly stopped licking my feet and scrambled to his own. I gave his ears a farewell rub.
    But in the hall I hesitated.
    â€œIs there any chance I might briefly use your phone? I’m afraid I couldn’t pay for it but I need to call Heathrow to try to get a message to Brad’s daughter.”
    Afterwards, when we’d already shaken hands and I was standing on the doorstep, Esther remembered something. “I meant to ask. Do you also know the young man who was injured?”
    â€œYes,” I said.
    â€œKnow him well?”
    I didn’t answer for a moment. “I always thought I did. Now I’m not so sure.”
    They may have taken this to mean I felt disappointed in him and that in some way his behaviour had let me down or let Brad down. If so I wasn’t too unhappy just to leave it there.
    â€œWill you be visiting him in hospital?”
    â€œAs a matter of fact I’ve just left the hospital.”
    â€œAnd how was he?”
    I merely shrugged; not wishing to add any further to their aftermath of sadness.
    â€œBut do you think he might like Rob and me to go and visit?”
    â€œI’m afraid he died.” I said it as gently as I could.
    â€œOh no!”
    The tears now spilled over in earnest. She held her hands before her face. Rob put his arm around her shoulders.
    â€œI am so sorry ,” she sobbed.
    â€œDon’t be. Please don’t be. It was absolutely for the best.”
    â€œWhy?” Rob asked. “Was he brain-damaged?”
    â€œNo it wasn’t that.” I paused and strived for something that would bring them comfort. “Really. It was what he wanted. Wanted more than anything.” I threw in all the conviction which the sheer truth of it merited.
    The trouble was an instant later I heard the echo of my own words. And realized that I hadn’t said ‘he’. I had said ‘I’.
    Esther had taken her hands down. Little surprise then that I saw in both their faces the dawning of a drastically reconsidered opinion of me.
    Perhaps I should have tried to explain. But I didn’t feel I’m sorry that was just a slip of the tongue would really have been adequate and I couldn’t think of anything else. I left them believing I must be wholly without feeling. Vengeful even. I was thoroughly dismayed. I liked them both and they’d been kind to me. And I didn’t want them turning cynical on my account, possibly being less inclined to offer hospitality to strangers.
    Though maybe in regard to myself it was simply poetic justice. At some points in my life ‘wholly without feeling’ might nearly have been right. So let me be condemned now for all the times I’d previously managed to get away with it. Didn’t that seem fair?
    Anyhow I tried to be philosophical; told myself not to exaggerate—or dramatize—my own influence.

6
    It was a steeper climb than I remembered—though previously of course we’d travelled up by car. I estimated that the winding road must have been well over a mile but I tackled it with vigour and was pleased to find I wasn’t out of breath on reaching the top.
    The first thing I noticed was the view; how could I have thought Pack Hill not worthy of a second visit? From its crest you could probably see across four counties; you could certainly glimpse the far-off sparkle of the English Channel. Why’d I been under the impression there were countless rows of new development obstructing the horizon?
    The second was even more challenging; or would