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as he lifted out the bread bin. The basement was serviced by an outside toilet and the kitchen did double service as a bathroom. Martin had covered the massive Victorian bath that almost spanned the length of one wall with an old door and a plastic cloth so it would be less obtrusive except when it was actually in use. ‘We could fill that with cold water and drop him in.’
    ‘He’d die of shock or pneumonia or both.’ Brian warmed the teapot and reached for the tea caddy. ‘Get what you wanted?’
    ‘Yes.’ Jack placed a large bottle of scent and a cheap lipstick on the table.
    ‘What are you going to do with these?’ Martin opened the lipstick and pushed up the bright-red stick with his thumb.
    ‘Take revenge.’ Unscrewing the top from the scent, Jack sniffed the bottle. ‘Katie wasn’t joking when she said this was strong.’
    ‘I can smell it from here.’ Brian spooned tea leaves into the pot.
    ‘Put the top on, it’s killing the cheese.’ Sam threw a tea towel on top of the cheese dish as if to protect it.
    Jack leaned over Adam and emptied the scent bottle over his shirt.
    ‘What …’
    ‘I told you, I’m taking revenge.’ Jack grinned at Martin as Adam began to mutter in his sleep.
    ‘More like gas us.’ Brian wrenched open the skylight above the door.
    ‘What has Adam done to deserve that?’ Sam asked.
    ‘Tried to get me drunk.’
    ‘He didn’t succeed.’
    ‘Not for want of trying.’ Jack picked out an orange from the fruit bowl on the table. Taking the lipstick from Martin, he drew a cupid’s bow of a mouth on the side of the orange. After making a few slight adjustments with his fingernail he pressed it on to Adam’s scent-sodden shirt.
    ‘Anyone watching us would think Adam’s the bridegroom.’ Brian poured out the tea.
    ‘He’ll murder you when he comes round.’ Martin couldn’t help laughing. The lipstick ‘kiss’ was perfect.
    ‘There’s no real damage done, Katie said it’ll wash out.’
    ‘Did you tell her why you wanted the scent and lipstick?’ Martin asked.
    ‘Yes.’
    ‘And she still gave them to you?’
    ‘After I told her Adam tried to get me drunk.’
    Brian, Sam and Martin watched as Jack applied two more ‘kisses’ to Adam’s shirt-front, one to his cheek and another to the centre of his forehead.
    ‘If one of you holds up his shirt and vest, I’ll put a few on his chest.’ Jack redrew the ‘lips’ on the orange as he stood back to admire his handiwork.
    ‘And when he wakes?’ Brian sugared the teas.
    ‘We’ll tell him he got off with …’ Jack thought for a few moments. ‘Lifebuoy Lettie.’
    ‘The barmaid!’ Brian exclaimed. ‘He’ll never believe that. She’s fifty if she’s a day.’
    ‘Why do you call her Lifebuoy Lettie?’ Sam unclipped Adam’s braces and rolled up his shirt and vest.
    ‘Because she needs Lifebuoy soap. Have you ever stood close to her? Silly question, you wouldn’t be asking if you had.’ Jack planted a neat circle of ‘kisses’ round Adam’s right nipple.
    ‘That’s enough, Jack,’ Martin protested as Jack began to repeat the pattern above Adam’s navel.
    ‘Just one more.’ Opening Adam’s belt, Jack unbuttoned his trousers and planted a final ‘kiss’ on the fly of his underpants.
    ‘If we couldn’t take him home before, we certainly can’t take him now.’ Brian sat at the table as Jack refastened Adam’s flies.
    ‘He’s not sleeping in my room,’ Sam pre-empted firmly.
    ‘You can’t expect me to drag him up to the attic with me,’ Brian remonstrated.
    ‘Put the two easy chairs together,’ Jack suggested.
    ‘He’ll never sleep on those.’ Martin joined Brian at the table.
    ‘He’s sleeping on one now.’ Jack washed the lipstick from the orange and returned it to the bowl. ‘I’ll nip round to his mother’s, tell her we’re having a bit of a party and he’s spending the night here.’
    ‘I’ll go.’ Sam tucked Adam’s vest and shirt back into his trousers