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for one thing, you're not lying on the
floor in the fetal position. That's a good start. And you're
mentally well-off enough to be rude to Richard here."
    "Well, that's not so difficult." Stanley
turned to Brant. "Fuck off, I'm eating."
    "Actually, I am going to leave you two
alone," said Brant. "I trust that Mr. Dabernath will behave
himself."
    "I'll do my best, but if she jumps me, it's
not my fault."
    "Understood." Brant nodded politely at
Veronica and left the room.
    "He's such a sweetie," said Stanley, shoving
a bite of eggs into his mouth. "So what Personal Assistant
organization did you get blacklisted by to get stuck with me?"
    "Are you kidding?" asked Veronica. "This is
the opportunity of a lifetime. Ooooh, that's a good one, too. If
they ask you how you feel about being resurrected, you can say 'It
was the opportunity of a lifetime.'"
    "Seriously. You're the personal assistant to
a corpse. That's gotta suck."
    "I'm the personal assistant to a famous
corpse. The Amazing Mr. Corpse. Let me tell you, Stanley, your fame
is going to last for a lot more than fifteen minutes."
    "What if I don't want the fame?"
    "Then do it for the fortune."
    "Maybe I don't want the fortune, either."
    "I saw the movies that you distribute, if you
can call them movies. Don't tell me that you're not in the
exploitation business."
    "Okay, fine, but there's a difference between
selling weird movies and parading myself in public as a freak."
    "You're not a freak, you're a--"
    "--a scientific phenomenon, I know. But,
c'mon, look at me. I've got a face that only a drunken coked-up
lobotomized mother could love."
    "I'm thinking we won't use that one as a
sound bite. Don't be so caught up in your appearance. You're Mr.
Corpse. People aren't expecting beauty."
    "So I don't gross you out?"
    "Not at all."
    "What about now?" Stanley opened wide,
showing her a mouthful of chewed-up eggs.
    "I think we'd better get down to
business."
    "No, seriously. How can I not gross you out?
I gross myself out. You should see my dick."
    "Don't you think it's ironic that the world's
first scientifically resurrected human being, a marvel beyond
compare, feels the need to get attention by talking about his
penis?"
    "I just can't believe you're not grossed out
by me."
    "I don't find you gross. I find you
fascinating."
    "Nobody's ever told me I'm fascinating."
    "Well, I'm not talking about your
personality," Veronica said. "That I'd call adolescent."
    "Okay, yeah, people have told me
that."
    "Stanley, focus. You'll have a psychological
test as soon as Dr. Lamber gets here, and then a few physical tests
just to make sure that undead body of yours is in good condition,
and then you've got a press conference this evening. Are you
comfortable talking in front of people?"
    "I used to be, pre-zombie."
    "Well, get back into it, because you'll be
doing it a lot. They should be fairly generic questions. How do you
feel, what was it like to be dead, that sort of thing. You'll
probably be asked about the machine and chemicals that brought you
back to life, but it's okay to admit that you don't know anything
about them. Just be honest."
    "Can I say that I was brought back by a DVD
player and grape Kool-Aid?"
    "No. Let me explain
something to you. Your resurrection was shown on live television
all over the world, but many people, perhaps even most people, think it was
faked. They're sure you're phony. And when you do your press
conference, I guarantee that somebody will accuse you of being some
actor in makeup. So if you stand up there and make smart-ass
comments, they're not going to believe that you're
real."
    "But that's what I am. A dead guy who makes
lots of smart-ass comments. I'm thinking of eight or nine of them
right now."
    "Yes, but that's not what people expect from
a resurrected corpse. I certainly encourage you to be funny, and
especially to use the 'chance of a lifetime' joke, but you can't
act like an idiot. Be charming and respectful. Can you do that for
me?"
    "Nobody is