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mama of one darling baby and oh, how I treasure every moment! Unfortunately—or fortunately, depending on how you look at it—the baby’s daddy does not follow suit on treasuring every moment
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    Baby’s daddy lives in another state. He left while I was still pregnant and did not attend our child’s birth. Though he proclaims via emails every six or so weeks to care for his child, he does not pay child support, nor has he seen his baby since mere weeks after birth (our baby is now over one). He has never even called to find out how his child is doing
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    My question is this: Am I obligated to send pictures and keep him updated about his child since he sends somewhat pitiful emails every couple of months about himself? I am heavily leaning toward no updates, but I would gladly take into consideration the opinion of a lovely sweet pea, such as yourself, Sugar
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    I want to do what is best for my little bundle, even if what I want to do is kick the baby’s daddy in the groin with steel-toed boots, screaming, “What the HELL is the matter with you, you narcissistic crazy!”
    Whew. That felt good to say. Let the healing begin!
    Joy & love, dearest Sugar,
Oh Mama
    Dear Oh Mama,
    Do you own a pair of steel-toed boots? I do. And I’m happy to loan them to you so that you can properly kick the ass of that fool. Your rage is justified. Your angry astonishment over your baby daddy’s failure to be a true father to your beautiful baby makes all the sense in the world.
    But you know what? It doesn’t matter one fig.
    At least not in the face of what’s at stake for your child if you choose to let your perfectly reasonable fury guide the decisions you make when it comes to the way you conduct yourself on the subject of his or her father. That this man is your child’s father is one of the most essential facts of his or her life. It remains a fact no matter what happens—whether the man with whom you’ve reproduced ever has a relationship with your child or not. One day, years from now, your son or daughter will have to account for his or her father (and for you, as well). There will be a reckoning. There is always a reckoning. For every one of us. Accounting for what happened in our childhoods and why and who our parents are and how they succeeded and failed us is the work we all do when we do the work of becoming whole, grown-up people. That reckoning is especially fraught when a parent has failed a child and so I advise you to (a) do everything in your power to thwart a fail between your child and his or her father, and (b) keep yourself from failing, should the father of your child persist in doing so.
    It’s apparent that you’re struggling with the rage and disappointment you rightly feel toward your baby’s father. I don’t fault you for this and no one would. But what’s your fault and what isn’t is beside the point. The point—as you state in your letter—is what’s best for your child. You asked if youwere obligated to send pictures and updates in response to the intermittent emails the father of your child sends you, and my answer is yes. Not because you’re obligated to the man—you owe him nothing—but because you’re obligated to your child. Given the fact that Baby Daddy sounds like only a pathetic fuck (rather than an abusive one), the best thing you can do for your sweet baby is nurture a father-child bond, especially this early in your child’s life.
    As you’ve so depressingly detailed, it hasn’t begun well. Baby Daddy has thus far failed on every front. This is not your responsibility, but it is your problem. Your efforts in the direction of inclusion, communication, acceptance, and forgiveness could lead to a positive relationship between your child and his or her father that profoundly affects the course of his or her life. Or not. We can’t know yet. But it’s a big enough deal that I strongly encourage you to try.
    I don’t say this with a light heart. It would be much more fun to kick