Uncle John's Ahh-Inspiring Bathroom Reader

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Book: Read Uncle John's Ahh-Inspiring Bathroom Reader for Free Online
Authors: Bathroom Readers’ Institute
that it can be used as a movie theater. Viewersenter through a door built into the side of the huge toilet bowl, then sit on genuine life-sized toilets to watch the film.
    Parrots never, ever, get appendicitis. (They don’t have an appendix.)
    Have you ever been at a movie and had to use the bathroom really bad, but you didn’t want to leave your seat for fear of missing an important scene? Even in the Toilet Theater, you’d still be out of luck—none of the toilet-seat theater seats are actually hooked up to plumbing. More bad news: Toto has no plans to screen feature films in its enormous toilet, either. You get to watch Toto infomercials. That’s it.
    Honoree: Max Reger, a turn-of-the-century German composer
    Notable Achievement: Being best remembered for something he composed…in the bathroom
    True Story: Have you ever heard of Max Reger? Probably not; his name isn’t even that familiar to music buffs. In fact, Reger is remembered less for his music than for his response to a scathing review of his work written by a critic named Rudolph Louis in 1906.
    â€œDear sir,” Reger wrote in reply, “I am sitting in the smallest room of my house. I have your review before me. In a moment it will be behind me.”
    Honoree: The Rowanlea Grove Entertainment Co. of Canada
    Notable Achievement: Putting Osama Bin Laden in his place
    True Story: It wasn’t long after 9/11 that the folks at Rowanlea decided to sit down and be counted: they downloaded a picture of Osama Bin Laden from the Internet and printed it on a roll of toilet paper; now anybody that wants to pay him back with a little “face time” can do it. Rowanlea also prints Osama’s face on tissue paper, garbage bags, air-cushion insoles for your smelliest pair of shoes, and even sponges for use on those really disgusting cleaning jobs. Bonus: printing Osama’s face on toilet paper without his permission violates his “right to publicity.”
    Osama “Ex-Terrorist-Commando X-Wipe” rolls aren’t cheap—they sell for $19.95 for one or $49.95 for a pack of four, plus shipping and handling. The inkjet ink runs and may irritate sensitive skin, which is why Rowanlea recommends an alternative to wiping: “placing a sheet in the toilet bowl before doing your business. Then bombs away!”
    Construction of the Great Wall of China was financed—in part—by lotteries.

SPECIAL TIPS FOR HIRING WOMEN
    We’ve come a long way, baby. And it should be obvious once you read this article, which originally appeared under the title “Eleven Tips on Getting More Efficiency Out of Women Employees” in the July 1943 edition of Mass Transportation magazine.
    T here’s no longer any question whether companies should hire women for jobs formerly held by men. The military draft and the manpower shortage have settled that point. The important things now are to select the most efficient women available and to know how to use them to the best advantage. Here are 11 helpful tips on the subject from Western Properties:
    1. If you can get them, pick young married women. They have these advantages: they usually have more of a sense of responsibility than their unmarried sisters; they’re less likely to be flirtatious; as a rule, they need the work or they wouldn’t be doing it—maybe a sick husband or one who’s in the army; they still have the pep and interest to work hard and to deal with the public efficiently.
    2. When you have to use older women, try to get ones who have worked outside the home at some time in their lives. Most companies have found that older women who have never contacted the public have a hard time adapting themselves and are inclined to be cantankerous and fussy. It’s always well to impress upon older women the importance of friendliness and courtesy.
    3. While there are exceptions to this rule, general experience indicates that “husky”

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