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idea of having a girlfriend. But not her. She deserves for me to miss her.”
    “You mean you don’t miss her at all? You just miss having a girlfriend?”
    “I guess.” I walked into the dining room and imagined her sitting at my piano the first day Gavin and I moved in. “Sometimes I think I miss her because we’ve been together since we were so young, right after my high school romance came to a crashing halt. There isn’t an important memory in my life from then to now that doesn’t include Lydia.”
    “And you’re saying you want to start over with someone new? Find something better?”
    “No.” I sat down at the piano. “There is no one better than her. Just different. Someone different. Something new, exciting. You know, Lydia and I have spent our twenties together, growing into adults together. We were off and on for so many years. We had so many down moments. Maybe I want to fall in love with a woman, instead of a girl. Maybe I want to know what it feels like to be with someone else.”
    “That’s not really fair to her.”
    “I know.” I pressed down on a low A key. “That’s why I need to let her go.” 

Ch. 7 | Ella

    The bridge from Philadelphia to New Jersey is so beautiful. Something about it inspires me every time I cross it. Except this time Sarah’s iPod just so happened to play a familiar tune, one that made me sink down into the seat and ignore the gorgeous landscape.
    “What’s wrong?” Sarah turned the music down.
    I looked out the window, ignoring her question.
    “Oh. I’m sorry, Ella. I didn’t realize my iPod was on still.”
    Silence carried us to the other side of the bridge. Over the same river I got stuck on the night I lost my dreams. 
    “That was weird timing,” she said, looking for my reaction.
    My gaze didn’t leave the window.
    “How long are you going to let this eat at you?”
    “Easy for you to say,” I snapped. “You still have your camera in your hands.”
    “I’m sorry.”
    I exhaled and looked at her. “I’m sorry. Didn’t mean to react like that. It’s just that you still take pictures, just like you did when you were a kid. There’s only one thing I’ve wanted to do since I was a kid and it’s been taken from me, all because of my stupid choices back then. If only I would have—”
    “There are no ‘if only’s’ in this life, Ella. You know, you wouldn’t have met this man you are waiting for if it weren’t for your choices back then. That night may have scarred you forever, but it also gave you him . . . something to live for. And you have been living for mysterious Mr. Right for the last few years. You don’t need to zero in on one thing like this to find joy. You can be happy no matter what your circumstances are. You don’t need dreams and fantasies to be in love with life. Just live your life and you will fall in love with everything around you.”
    I avoided her gaze.
    “I love you. I hope you know that. And loving you means telling you the truth. Trust me, it kills me that you feel that way, but photography isn’t my dream. It never was. Sure, I love it and it’s fun. I love that I get to make a living off of my favorite thing to do and I don’t take that for granted. But it’s not my dream.”
    I finally looked into her gentle eyes. She did love me. I knew she said these things out of love. 
    “My dream is every day. When I wake up, I want to find something new. Something beautiful about each day I’m given. I want to take the cards I’m given and play them with a smile, not to win, just to play. My hands could be sliced off and I wouldn’t spend my life trying to find a way to snap pictures with my feet. I would pick up the cards I’m given and enjoy the game. That’s my dream. To live today. Tomorrow may never come.”
    “Not according to Annie. She thinks the sun will come out tomorrow, clearing away the cobwebs and the sorrow.”
    “Annie needed hope. We all need hope. Maybe she was just looking in the